My place for wily banter
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cathyonwheels:

prismatic-bell:

odair-you-to-eat-a-sugar-cube:

mytrueaddictons:

starlightmornings:

shanology:

onewonderfulbug:

We’ve all seen it pop up on our dashboards, the “romance novel” between Hilda and Torolf.  And now I, because I hate myself so much, have decided to put it to the spoken word.  Read along, if you like.

image

… Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.

Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.

"buttermilk bosoms" "undulating midsection" "engorged pecker" "hot pearlescent sperms" "galloping abs"

rocksaltedcaramel starlightmornings thebestpersonherelovesbucky sgt-buckys-eyeliner setphaserstostucky ohcaptainmycaptain1918 mellyblue007 thewinterjawline jamesbarnesruinedmylife xwienersoldier xdelayedgratification neo—maxi—zoom—dweebie

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND GUYS THIS IS AN ACTUAL PUBLISHED NOVEL???

#crying #how #why #torolf what’s wrong with your body why does it do these things #I wanna read it now just for reasons #oh holy god this is so funny I’m gonna pee

HOLY CRAP this is hysterical.

seriously how??? does this end up in print

I laughed so hard at this!!!! Not okay!!!!!

Please help me I am a confused human. Since when did abs gallop? I mean do they grow legs and jump off of your chest? Is that why I always wake up with no abs after I have done a push up?

sparklingganymede we need to buy you a copy of this for live readings.

Imma read this to you Ash. Don’t pretend you don’t want it

I’m legit crying right now, 10/10 comedy gold

0u0b:

Plot Twist: ORAS is secretly an otome game

Health and hygiene before modern times
EUROPE: Why the fuck are we always getting sick? Is it demons? Is it ghosts? Is it a curse?
EVERYBODY ELSE: Have you tried washing your ass?
Bisexual community: We define bisexuality as attraction to people of the same gender and different genders.
Biphobes: Aaaaactually bisexuality means "attracted to men and women" because the prefix "bi" means "two".
Bisexual community: Okay, that's a really narrow and finicky way of examining things, but yes the prefix bi means two. Which means that bisexual people are attracted to two different gender groups. Like, for example, people of the same gender as them and people of a different gender than them. Which is what we said. Our definition of our own sexual orientation is still right even with your narrow and finicky standards applied to it.
Biphobes: Sorry, I didn't catch any of that. I have my entire head and neck firmly lodged up my own ass. Bi means two. Bisexual means
giraffeobsession:

Giraffe Dream by Chloe’s Art 
werewolfau:

thisisnotjapan:

lightspeedsound:

the-goddamazon:

sensei-aishitemasu:

elpolloloc:

whitepeoplestealingculture:

jhenne-bean:

omgthatdress:

I guess Orientalism is coming back.

“Chinese Whispers” will primarily examine how eastward-looking Westerners have understood, misunderstood, and appropriated Chinese culture in an exchange that Bolton likens to a complicated game of telephone (which the British call “Chinese whispers”)
This is a v. bad idea.

Apparently it will have a display from from CD John Galliano’s spring 2003 Christian Dior couture show as the focus of this exhibit is Chinese opera.
You know this piece of fucking work.Highlights include:




… white people, man.

Katy Perry is going to come in full yellow face. I can feel it. I CAN FEEL IT.

They’re just being racist on purpose at this point.
You telling me you couldn’t find any Chinese fashion designers to feature in this hodgepodge smorgasbord of racism and cultural appropriation?
So many great Chinese designers with lines echoing periods of fashion in Chinese history.
So many Chinese actors and models that probably have more of a bead on this than the whiteout cast they’ve picked.
Why do white people do this shit. 

wait so they’re like “hey let’s look at orientalism, that seems cool” without like fucking POINTING OUT WHAT’S FUCKED UP ABOUT ORIENTALISM?

no

literally telling people to come to the red carpet in appropriated fashion
great
good
excellent

werewolfau:

thisisnotjapan:

lightspeedsound:

the-goddamazon:

sensei-aishitemasu:

elpolloloc:

whitepeoplestealingculture:

jhenne-bean:

omgthatdress:

I guess Orientalism is coming back.

“Chinese Whispers” will primarily examine how eastward-looking Westerners have understood, misunderstood, and appropriated Chinese culture in an exchange that Bolton likens to a complicated game of telephone (which the British call “Chinese whispers”)

This is a v. bad idea.

Apparently it will have a display from from CD John Galliano’s spring 2003 Christian Dior couture show as the focus of this exhibit is Chinese opera.

You know this piece of fucking work.Highlights include:

… white people, man.

Katy Perry is going to come in full yellow face. I can feel it. I CAN FEEL IT.

They’re just being racist on purpose at this point.

You telling me you couldn’t find any Chinese fashion designers to feature in this hodgepodge smorgasbord of racism and cultural appropriation?

So many great Chinese designers with lines echoing periods of fashion in Chinese history.

So many Chinese actors and models that probably have more of a bead on this than the whiteout cast they’ve picked.

Why do white people do this shit. 

wait so they’re like “hey let’s look at orientalism, that seems cool” without like fucking POINTING OUT WHAT’S FUCKED UP ABOUT ORIENTALISM?

no

literally telling people to come to the red carpet in appropriated fashion

great

good

excellent

moriartea221b:

kaieraai:

thedoctor-and-his-trolls:

delightfully-derranged:

tonystarksnipples:

calamithyjane:

riddlemehiddleston:

pulpfanfiction:

glocktary:

thoracs:





you did it
you win the award for best addition to my post

i tried so fucking hard to scroll past this

i tried and i failed



i cant breathe.

send help. dying

"I am the snake in my boot"

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR SO LONG!

moriartea221b:

kaieraai:

thedoctor-and-his-trolls:

delightfully-derranged:

tonystarksnipples:

calamithyjane:

riddlemehiddleston:

pulpfanfiction:

glocktary:

thoracs:

image

i am leg

you did it

you win the award for best addition to my post

i tried so fucking hard to scroll past this

i tried and i failed

image

i cant breathe.

send help. dying

"I am the snake in my boot"

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR SO LONG!

floozys:

why is catcalling called catcalling? i like cats and i would quite like them calling me to see how i am or to make plans to meet for brunch, catcalling should be called something more accurate like asshole screeching or insecure masculinity 

spazzeon:

clefairydance:

every time someone says the word “spoopy” in pokémon episode 170 - A Better Pill to Swallow

SPOOPY

datdumbartist:

I have never related so much to comic before